If there's one thing video game players love, it's being badass. Juggernauts that blow through every "challenge" thrown their way in record time with a smug grin on their face as lesser nerds toil in their attempts to max out their gamerscores.
That, or just proudly proclaiming it on internet forums.
Nearly every game has a subset of people bemoaning the lack of a Hardcore mode, where death is permanent and the difficulty is cranked to 11. Taking aim at these masochists, I have devised a hardcore mode that looks to present some serious challenges.
Survival
Health in the game is represented by a single block. Damage from any source, even a headache, will kill you instantly. If you die in the game, not only do you lose your character but you become ill in real life and all the saves and achievements for every game on your console are deleted and locked forever.
You must eat and drink every three minutes to stay alive. Food must be manually prepared by the player following actual recipes and cooking methods. If it is overcooked or poorly seasoned, it will disappear without being eaten. If it is the slightest bit undercooked, the main character will become ill, curl into the fetal position and refuse to respond to controller commands for several days.
Any chests or containers that are encountered will spew forth a neverending pile of junk into your inventory which instantly takes priority over all your precious items and subsequently deletes them forever.
All items, including equipment and inventory, degrade by 1% each time you take a step. Nothing can be repaired. There is a Repair skill, but using it causes your character to strike his throat repeatedly with a brick until it's dull corner punctures a hole in your neck.
Characters can gain any illnesses present in the real world and you will begin the game with a near-lethal dose of radiation that renders you blind.
No fast travel. No vehicles. No running. Walk speed has been reduced to a stationary lean forward.
Combat
All guns are more likely to misfire or jam than to shoot. Should you get a stoppage, you must manually pull back the working parts and remove the obstruction. When you do get a shot off, it will be as accurate as the real life equivalent of firing a shotgun while unscoped, running, and attempting to hit a target nearly a mile away.
Your attacks do 1% of normal damage to your enemies, and 300% damage to yourself. Every bullet that hits the enemy gives them a powerful health regeneration ability. Conversely, enemy attacks scan your game's program files and delete them one by one until your game disk becomes useless.
Any and all special abilities previously available are disabled, and replaced with L.L.L.L., which simply makes you turn counterclockwise in slow motion while being ravaged by bullets.
Character Interaction
Conversations are much more involved and rewarding in the main game, with many more options to help you feel connected to the setting. In hardcore mode, your only response to every line of dialogue will be, "I am a child molester. Here, take my weapons and armor before you kill me."
Companions and teammates display different levels of affinity for you. The first is "Murderous Rage", followed by "Slight Guilt."
All skill trees and experience bars are replaced with a steroid bar. Upon gaining a new level your character will inject himself and headbutt the nearest wall, falling into a coma.
Quests
All goals will be changed to timed escort missions that involve navigating an area jam-packed with explosives and fragile items that will end the mission in failure if anyone shoots or touches them.
Any attempt to complete a multi-pathed mission in a way that will benefit the player will fail, and any rewards gained after merely viewing it in your inventory will turn to dust.
Rewards range from being de-kidneyed, to an enormous golden nugget that will immediately overburden and crush you.
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Monday, 17 October 2011
Get laid now!
Many men don't realize how to attract women, but don't worry. I have the answers that will turn you into a sex tornado. I have a hairy chest and a small penis but these tips saved my life and I'm here to share them with you.
I have THE definitive guide on how to talk to women, and more importantly; get laid.
Firstly you will want to wear clothes that show how much of an individual you are, because uniqueness is attractive. So what you'll want to do, is wear very stock clothing. Wear jeans, a shirt and black shoes. Don't fret about contradicting my first point. This shows you're a rebel and women love a 90's man.
Secondly you will want to smell attractive, and nothing quite says man like spraying yourself with perfumed, pressurized air. Make sure that someone who has lost their sense of smell still evokes a gag reflex when you walk in the room. Don't forget the hair too. Remember, there's nothing more irresistible to a woman than rubbing plant extracts through your hair and smelling like a coconut. Also, make sure to douse yourself with so much aftershave and hair gel that naked flames and mobile phones present a constant fire hazard. Nothing says sexy like a bit of danger!
Now you're all ready to go out, we need to pick a place of venue. This is a highly crucial factor when it comes to attracting women, but don't fear, I'm here to help. The key is to find the place with the cheapest drinks. It doesn't matter if it's a chav infested shithole with a bookies just next door, the drinks are cheap! And that's all that matters. Fun and a great atmosphere is no substitute for cheap drinks.
Now you're ready to start pulling some ladies. Try to find the ones with so much makeup on that you can barely see her face, since she's clearly made the most effort. Fake tan is a must. You should first make eye contact with a girl you like. Don't be afraid to stare at the side of her face until her sixth sense kicks in and she gets creeped out, this is normal. Make sure you stare constantly and pout otherwise she might miss your pose when she glances to see if you've stopped staring at her.
After you've made brief eye contact, make your way over to her. Don't be nice, this is where most guys go wrong. Break the ice with an extremely cocky and arrogant comment like "Hey I just saw you gorping at me, I can't blame you, but tone it down a little, you're ugly and cramping my style, stop it." This will instantly make her panties wet because it's a known fact that women love men that treat them like crap.
Then start talking to her about deep, interesting topics about your life that will make her want to get to know you more. Some good examples are: TV programmes, the weather and how wasted you got last week. Remember you're here to tease her, and talking about stuff that is trite and pointless is bound to get her intrigued.
If things aren't going too well, shrug your shoulders and walk away. Try to see if any of your friends are talking to a girl, then home in on their location. If they're talking face to face, step between them facing the girl. Make sure your back is fully facing your friend (fig. 1), so she knows you're only interested in her. Do your utmost best to cockblock him, he's a man so he will understand. Downright ignore him when he tries in vain to talk over your shoulder. This is the most important rule when it comes to hooking up with women, that you are willing to sacrifice a friendship to get laid. Most women will find this trait irresistible.
Once you've established rapour, ask if she wants to come home with you. If not, continually ask for her number. Be persistent. Say "come oooonn.." and make up excuses why you should have her number, even if they're exaggerations or outright lies. If that fails, see if she came in with any friends and try to get their number instead. Remember any hole's a goal, and you came to score.
If by the end of the night you haven't successfully pulled, stand by the exit and ask every woman that walks past if they fancy a bit of rough and tumble back at your place. Don't worry about appearing desperate, women like men who are a bit cheeky.
If these tips don't help you, then you must have done something wrong. These tips are 100% genuine and not fake in anyway. Extensive research has gone into providing this idiot-proof way to getting laid and if you think it's useless and full of shit then go to hell.
I have THE definitive guide on how to talk to women, and more importantly; get laid.
Firstly you will want to wear clothes that show how much of an individual you are, because uniqueness is attractive. So what you'll want to do, is wear very stock clothing. Wear jeans, a shirt and black shoes. Don't fret about contradicting my first point. This shows you're a rebel and women love a 90's man.
Secondly you will want to smell attractive, and nothing quite says man like spraying yourself with perfumed, pressurized air. Make sure that someone who has lost their sense of smell still evokes a gag reflex when you walk in the room. Don't forget the hair too. Remember, there's nothing more irresistible to a woman than rubbing plant extracts through your hair and smelling like a coconut. Also, make sure to douse yourself with so much aftershave and hair gel that naked flames and mobile phones present a constant fire hazard. Nothing says sexy like a bit of danger!
Now you're all ready to go out, we need to pick a place of venue. This is a highly crucial factor when it comes to attracting women, but don't fear, I'm here to help. The key is to find the place with the cheapest drinks. It doesn't matter if it's a chav infested shithole with a bookies just next door, the drinks are cheap! And that's all that matters. Fun and a great atmosphere is no substitute for cheap drinks.
Now you're ready to start pulling some ladies. Try to find the ones with so much makeup on that you can barely see her face, since she's clearly made the most effort. Fake tan is a must. You should first make eye contact with a girl you like. Don't be afraid to stare at the side of her face until her sixth sense kicks in and she gets creeped out, this is normal. Make sure you stare constantly and pout otherwise she might miss your pose when she glances to see if you've stopped staring at her.
After you've made brief eye contact, make your way over to her. Don't be nice, this is where most guys go wrong. Break the ice with an extremely cocky and arrogant comment like "Hey I just saw you gorping at me, I can't blame you, but tone it down a little, you're ugly and cramping my style, stop it." This will instantly make her panties wet because it's a known fact that women love men that treat them like crap.
Then start talking to her about deep, interesting topics about your life that will make her want to get to know you more. Some good examples are: TV programmes, the weather and how wasted you got last week. Remember you're here to tease her, and talking about stuff that is trite and pointless is bound to get her intrigued.
If things aren't going too well, shrug your shoulders and walk away. Try to see if any of your friends are talking to a girl, then home in on their location. If they're talking face to face, step between them facing the girl. Make sure your back is fully facing your friend (fig. 1), so she knows you're only interested in her. Do your utmost best to cockblock him, he's a man so he will understand. Downright ignore him when he tries in vain to talk over your shoulder. This is the most important rule when it comes to hooking up with women, that you are willing to sacrifice a friendship to get laid. Most women will find this trait irresistible.
Friends come and go, but getting laid doesn't.
Once you've established rapour, ask if she wants to come home with you. If not, continually ask for her number. Be persistent. Say "come oooonn.." and make up excuses why you should have her number, even if they're exaggerations or outright lies. If that fails, see if she came in with any friends and try to get their number instead. Remember any hole's a goal, and you came to score.
If by the end of the night you haven't successfully pulled, stand by the exit and ask every woman that walks past if they fancy a bit of rough and tumble back at your place. Don't worry about appearing desperate, women like men who are a bit cheeky.
If these tips don't help you, then you must have done something wrong. These tips are 100% genuine and not fake in anyway. Extensive research has gone into providing this idiot-proof way to getting laid and if you think it's useless and full of shit then go to hell.
Saturday, 25 June 2011
What's with assholes trying to be busy?
Is it suddenly fashionable to have no free time on your hands? Everywhere I turn people are talking about holiday plans and how "crazy and hectic" their lives are. People love to boast how busy they are because it makes them feel important, however imaginary. Am I the only ones who has no plans, or are all these people just full of it? I don't consider myself to be busy and I work a full time job, 45 hours a week. Often I work weekends too. I have enough time to see people, being busy is a lame excuse. When people claim to be busy, what they really mean is "I have the time, just not for you."
I try to make plans and people always say "I'll let you know, I think I'm busy." Bullshit. What they really mean is "yeah, until I find something better to do." You're not busy. Most of these idiots don't even have jobs. It's impossible to be busy all the time.
The worst thing is people constantly use it as a cop out. For instance, a friend was just too insanely busy to reply to a text I sent weeks ago. How long does it take to send a text, really? Being busy is no excuse to be ignorant.
I ask people if they're free this weekend. "No sorry I have plans, yeah plans, big plans, important plans. And no you can't get involved in them." Oh okay, so next weekend? "No can do. I have plans, made them months ago. Can't cancel. Too important. Big plans." Right, what about in fifteen weeks time, that weekend? "I think I'm free, I'll check my schedule, I might be busy." AARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH.
I decided to do a little digging on a few of my friends, just to see what they actually get up to when they claim to be too busy to do something. So far I've heard I'm doing something with my friends and I've got some work to do. Notice how it's always something, never anything specific. It's garbage, the lot of it. All this bitching about being stressed because you've got so much going on is self-inflicted. People are just afraid to admit to their vapid lives, so they cram it with as much bullshit as possible to fill the void.
The only thing worse than someone pretending they're busy all the time is the people who cancel plans with you pretending they're busy. They'll all come up with an unbelievable scenario that can't be avoided. I've heard so much crap it makes me want to stab myself in the face. How stupid do you think I am? Suddenly, everyone is dead and/or has cancer and this date happens to fall on the exact time of your meeting. LIARS. Every last one of you.
People make the most trivial task into a day's worth of work. Just tell me you don't want to be in my company, don't insult me with your pathetic excuses. Be a man about it. I don't care if you don't want to make plans with me. I don't care if everything else is more important. Doesn't matter to me, I don't give a shit. Just stop being a pussy.
From now on I'm not making plans with people. If anyone wants to see me, they can ask. I might accept or I might not. Who knows? I could be busy. Then the day we planned comes and I'll cancel on your ass. See how you like it. It's bullshit. I hate my friends. They're all worthless. The next person to brush me off with the busy card is getting punched in the dick.
I try to make plans and people always say "I'll let you know, I think I'm busy." Bullshit. What they really mean is "yeah, until I find something better to do." You're not busy. Most of these idiots don't even have jobs. It's impossible to be busy all the time.
The worst thing is people constantly use it as a cop out. For instance, a friend was just too insanely busy to reply to a text I sent weeks ago. How long does it take to send a text, really? Being busy is no excuse to be ignorant.
I ask people if they're free this weekend. "No sorry I have plans, yeah plans, big plans, important plans. And no you can't get involved in them." Oh okay, so next weekend? "No can do. I have plans, made them months ago. Can't cancel. Too important. Big plans." Right, what about in fifteen weeks time, that weekend? "I think I'm free, I'll check my schedule, I might be busy." AARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH.
I decided to do a little digging on a few of my friends, just to see what they actually get up to when they claim to be too busy to do something. So far I've heard I'm doing something with my friends and I've got some work to do. Notice how it's always something, never anything specific. It's garbage, the lot of it. All this bitching about being stressed because you've got so much going on is self-inflicted. People are just afraid to admit to their vapid lives, so they cram it with as much bullshit as possible to fill the void.
The only thing worse than someone pretending they're busy all the time is the people who cancel plans with you pretending they're busy. They'll all come up with an unbelievable scenario that can't be avoided. I've heard so much crap it makes me want to stab myself in the face. How stupid do you think I am? Suddenly, everyone is dead and/or has cancer and this date happens to fall on the exact time of your meeting. LIARS. Every last one of you.
People make the most trivial task into a day's worth of work. Just tell me you don't want to be in my company, don't insult me with your pathetic excuses. Be a man about it. I don't care if you don't want to make plans with me. I don't care if everything else is more important. Doesn't matter to me, I don't give a shit. Just stop being a pussy.
From now on I'm not making plans with people. If anyone wants to see me, they can ask. I might accept or I might not. Who knows? I could be busy. Then the day we planned comes and I'll cancel on your ass. See how you like it. It's bullshit. I hate my friends. They're all worthless. The next person to brush me off with the busy card is getting punched in the dick.
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Men have become weak.
Sorry should not be in a man's vocabulary. Since when did men speak anyway? Men grunt. It worked for cavemen and they had no problems in life. All they did was drag women by their hair into a cave. Plain and simple. They don't want wining and dining and all this other romantic bullshit. They want it rough and ready, and in a cave.
Men these days are weak. I see women treating men like shit all the time and guys bending over, ass wide open taking it because they're scared to be alone, or whatever. Grow a fucking spine. One day women will demand to have the penis, and this new age of male pushovers will evolve into vaginas, walking on all fours so they can get penetrated by women every day of their life.
I don't understand why men have sold out their dignity for a girlfriend. Relationships are the blackhole of memory. Nothing productive ever happens. Name me one thing you gained out of your last relationship. I'm willing to bet it's nothing. Here's a clue: how about avoiding them altogether? You don't need one and they accomplish squat. Anyone ever left a relationship with anything besides baggage? Hell no. I've never left a girl with a new car, or sum of money of any kind. What's the point?
There's no going back for us. Girls can pick and choose guys at random. Don't believe me? Take a few stock photos of a girl, any girl, regardless of whether or not she's even good looking and upload it to a social networking site. Put something arbitrary and boring in the about me section, such as "I like to have fun." You'll get horny assholes messaging you within minutes, asking for sex, a relationship, phone numbers, everything.
Now do the same thing as a guy. You'll be lucky to get a conversation with a girl while she's sifting through the endless sexual offers from every male dipshit in a three thousand mile radius. Worthless.
673,020,832 men are pussies.
Men these days are weak. I see women treating men like shit all the time and guys bending over, ass wide open taking it because they're scared to be alone, or whatever. Grow a fucking spine. One day women will demand to have the penis, and this new age of male pushovers will evolve into vaginas, walking on all fours so they can get penetrated by women every day of their life.
I don't understand why men have sold out their dignity for a girlfriend. Relationships are the blackhole of memory. Nothing productive ever happens. Name me one thing you gained out of your last relationship. I'm willing to bet it's nothing. Here's a clue: how about avoiding them altogether? You don't need one and they accomplish squat. Anyone ever left a relationship with anything besides baggage? Hell no. I've never left a girl with a new car, or sum of money of any kind. What's the point?
There's no going back for us. Girls can pick and choose guys at random. Don't believe me? Take a few stock photos of a girl, any girl, regardless of whether or not she's even good looking and upload it to a social networking site. Put something arbitrary and boring in the about me section, such as "I like to have fun." You'll get horny assholes messaging you within minutes, asking for sex, a relationship, phone numbers, everything.
Now do the same thing as a guy. You'll be lucky to get a conversation with a girl while she's sifting through the endless sexual offers from every male dipshit in a three thousand mile radius. Worthless.
673,020,832 men are pussies.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
How to be a tool on the internet.
If you don't know what an internet forum is, chances are you aren't reading this. Forums have been around since the internet was born and have over time evolved to it's shit factor.
This is not to say every forum was created with the intention of being worthless, but as with everything on the internet (disregarding my site, which is perfect) eventually becomes another toilet for people to dump their ass all over. Every forum is comprised of the same basic layout and can be broken down into one main category: shit.
Every forum I've ever been to has been a discordant mess and I always end up banned. Website admins need to chill the fuck out or lose diversity of their site. If the only people they want there are the ones that share the same opinion as themselves, they're defining a word we already have for people like that: bigots. The only reason other members stick up for admins is the childlike notion that backing up someone with authority (however imaginary) will gain them respect.
A breakdown of a forums members can be categorized as follows:
Forum admin - 2% (of online community)
Jobless bedwetter with enough free time to read, edit and respond to every word ever posted on a website. The main problem with this asshole is that every opinion they utter is like a piece of gold, invincible shit that cannot be touched.
Pseudo-intellectuals - 8%
Idiot college dropouts that constantly use a spell check and thesaurus to find synonyms for every other word in a sentence to make sure everyone knows they didn't fail English. Though few in number, have enough narcissism and time to waste responding to every post you make, usually supported by other pseudo-intellectual dipshits to verify their non-existent argument with themselves.
14 year olds - 90%
Most forums boil down to wasting time talking to assholes. Spending half an hour posting a rebuttal to an argument to get the bulletproof comeback "YEAH THAT'S WHAT YOUR MUM SAID LAST NIGHT LOL!!!!"
You'll notice on a forum there's always a lot of content, yet ironically, very little substance. That's because it's all bullshit.
93,267 forums have banned me before I even sign up.
This is not to say every forum was created with the intention of being worthless, but as with everything on the internet (disregarding my site, which is perfect) eventually becomes another toilet for people to dump their ass all over. Every forum is comprised of the same basic layout and can be broken down into one main category: shit.
Every forum I've ever been to has been a discordant mess and I always end up banned. Website admins need to chill the fuck out or lose diversity of their site. If the only people they want there are the ones that share the same opinion as themselves, they're defining a word we already have for people like that: bigots. The only reason other members stick up for admins is the childlike notion that backing up someone with authority (however imaginary) will gain them respect.
A breakdown of a forums members can be categorized as follows:
Forum admin - 2% (of online community)
Jobless bedwetter with enough free time to read, edit and respond to every word ever posted on a website. The main problem with this asshole is that every opinion they utter is like a piece of gold, invincible shit that cannot be touched.
Pseudo-intellectuals - 8%
Idiot college dropouts that constantly use a spell check and thesaurus to find synonyms for every other word in a sentence to make sure everyone knows they didn't fail English. Though few in number, have enough narcissism and time to waste responding to every post you make, usually supported by other pseudo-intellectual dipshits to verify their non-existent argument with themselves.
14 year olds - 90%
Most forums boil down to wasting time talking to assholes. Spending half an hour posting a rebuttal to an argument to get the bulletproof comeback "YEAH THAT'S WHAT YOUR MUM SAID LAST NIGHT LOL!!!!"
You'll notice on a forum there's always a lot of content, yet ironically, very little substance. That's because it's all bullshit.
93,267 forums have banned me before I even sign up.
12 excuses for being fat and useless,
1 - I don’t have the time, because my job takes up all of it
Most jobs are 9 to 5. That's 8 hours. If you get up at 7 and go to sleep at 11, that's another 8 hours you're awake where you're not working. Technically, that's half a day that you're not working. Unless you work in a mine in the 18th century, you have time to exercise. Barack Obama has two kids and he finds time to exercise, and he's the fucking president. Stop being so damn idle.
Most jobs are 9 to 5. That's 8 hours. If you get up at 7 and go to sleep at 11, that's another 8 hours you're awake where you're not working. Technically, that's half a day that you're not working. Unless you work in a mine in the 18th century, you have time to exercise. Barack Obama has two kids and he finds time to exercise, and he's the fucking president. Stop being so damn idle.
2 - I’m too stressed out to think of exercising
No. Thinking about exercising stresses you out because you're lazy, and presumably fat. Exercising relieves stress. Sitting around on your fat ass watching TV all day causes heart disease and depression. Being fit and healthy causing your stress, or heart failure? Figure it out.
3 - I am a housewife and I have a baby to take care of
How long do you think it takes to exercise, really? You can run a mile from and to your house in seven minutes, and still make it back in time before your microwave chips have finished cooking. Unless you're a single mum without a friend on the planet to watch your baby for seven minutes, you're just making excuses to dodge a workout.
4 - I travel too much to maintain a steady workout routine
Er, what? Travelling too much is a good thing, unless you're travelling by car but then you'd have more free time, which makes your excuse even more redundant.
5 - The gym’s too expensive
Seriously if the gym is too expensive to fork over £5 a month then maybe you should be more concerned about your financial status than losing weight. How much is a tray of chips and a kebab? Oh, you have enough for that.
6 - I’m thin, I don’t need to exercise
I'm thin, and I need exercise. Losing weight isn't the only benefit of dieting. Lower cholesterol, more years of life, less risk of developing cancers, amongst others. If you can't be bothered to motivate your lazy thin arse off the sofa then kiss your children goodbye now, because you'll be dead before you see them grow.
7 - My girlfriend / boyfriend takes up all my time
Not to worry, when they leave you for someone who isn't bone idle and lets themself go, you'll have plenty of free time.
8 - I exercised a lot, but stopped seeing results
I hear this one alot. Here's a clue: you can't exercise once and expect to see results. Hell, you can't exercise for a month and expect to see results (other than physical fitness, your appearance won't change much without a major reconstruction of your diet). Stop excusing your inability to exercise on not seeing results. The results are there, your fat ass to thin ass conversion will just take longer!
9 - I’m too embarrassed to go the gym / swimming pool because I’m fat
It’s a gym, not an audition for Britains Next Top Model. If you think you have to already be fit and beautiful to go to the gym, you're an idiot. 90% of people that go to the gym are insecure about their bodies, that's why they're at the gym, doing something about it! Oh boo hoo, I don't like looking at all those fit people. Hey, why don't you BECOME one of those fit people, you moron? Nobody with more than half a peanut for a brain goes to the gym to show off.
10. I hate working out alone
Yes it’s boring, but chances are you're already a loner if you're fat and making antisocial excuses like that. You don't go to the gym to have a chat and a gossip, you go there to lose your disgusting cellulite, what people will be talking about if you sit there eating junk all day, coming out with this kind of bullshit.
11. I’m too tired to workout
What are you a lumberjack? Unless you hunt game armed with nothing but a rock through the undergrowths of a rainforest, you have energy left to exercise. Do you know what that feeling of tiredness really is? Your body's complete lack of physical activity. It can't handle doing simple day to day tasks anymore because it's never worked anywhere near it's maximum, so basic chores seem like an actual effort. What a pathetic excuse for an evolved lifeform. Our ancestors are rolling in their graves (probably more exercise than you've ever done, porky).
12. Zero motivation
Here's some motivators: live longer, be less depressed, feel fitter, become better looking, have more confidence, join fun sports, meet people and have a laugh. Hell, what more motivation do you need? You want some negative reinforcement? How about heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, sleep apnea (episodes when a person stops breathing while asleep), arthritis, gallstones and the list goes on. It's idle fucks like you that Britain is in debt, wasting billions of pounds a year in NHS bills because you can't take responsibility for your own bodies.
No. Thinking about exercising stresses you out because you're lazy, and presumably fat. Exercising relieves stress. Sitting around on your fat ass watching TV all day causes heart disease and depression. Being fit and healthy causing your stress, or heart failure? Figure it out.
3 - I am a housewife and I have a baby to take care of
How long do you think it takes to exercise, really? You can run a mile from and to your house in seven minutes, and still make it back in time before your microwave chips have finished cooking. Unless you're a single mum without a friend on the planet to watch your baby for seven minutes, you're just making excuses to dodge a workout.
4 - I travel too much to maintain a steady workout routine
Er, what? Travelling too much is a good thing, unless you're travelling by car but then you'd have more free time, which makes your excuse even more redundant.
5 - The gym’s too expensive
Seriously if the gym is too expensive to fork over £5 a month then maybe you should be more concerned about your financial status than losing weight. How much is a tray of chips and a kebab? Oh, you have enough for that.
6 - I’m thin, I don’t need to exercise
I'm thin, and I need exercise. Losing weight isn't the only benefit of dieting. Lower cholesterol, more years of life, less risk of developing cancers, amongst others. If you can't be bothered to motivate your lazy thin arse off the sofa then kiss your children goodbye now, because you'll be dead before you see them grow.
7 - My girlfriend / boyfriend takes up all my time
Not to worry, when they leave you for someone who isn't bone idle and lets themself go, you'll have plenty of free time.
8 - I exercised a lot, but stopped seeing results
I hear this one alot. Here's a clue: you can't exercise once and expect to see results. Hell, you can't exercise for a month and expect to see results (other than physical fitness, your appearance won't change much without a major reconstruction of your diet). Stop excusing your inability to exercise on not seeing results. The results are there, your fat ass to thin ass conversion will just take longer!
9 - I’m too embarrassed to go the gym / swimming pool because I’m fat
It’s a gym, not an audition for Britains Next Top Model. If you think you have to already be fit and beautiful to go to the gym, you're an idiot. 90% of people that go to the gym are insecure about their bodies, that's why they're at the gym, doing something about it! Oh boo hoo, I don't like looking at all those fit people. Hey, why don't you BECOME one of those fit people, you moron? Nobody with more than half a peanut for a brain goes to the gym to show off.
10. I hate working out alone
Yes it’s boring, but chances are you're already a loner if you're fat and making antisocial excuses like that. You don't go to the gym to have a chat and a gossip, you go there to lose your disgusting cellulite, what people will be talking about if you sit there eating junk all day, coming out with this kind of bullshit.
11. I’m too tired to workout
What are you a lumberjack? Unless you hunt game armed with nothing but a rock through the undergrowths of a rainforest, you have energy left to exercise. Do you know what that feeling of tiredness really is? Your body's complete lack of physical activity. It can't handle doing simple day to day tasks anymore because it's never worked anywhere near it's maximum, so basic chores seem like an actual effort. What a pathetic excuse for an evolved lifeform. Our ancestors are rolling in their graves (probably more exercise than you've ever done, porky).
12. Zero motivation
Here's some motivators: live longer, be less depressed, feel fitter, become better looking, have more confidence, join fun sports, meet people and have a laugh. Hell, what more motivation do you need? You want some negative reinforcement? How about heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, sleep apnea (episodes when a person stops breathing while asleep), arthritis, gallstones and the list goes on. It's idle fucks like you that Britain is in debt, wasting billions of pounds a year in NHS bills because you can't take responsibility for your own bodies.
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