I have THE definitive guide on how to talk to women, and more importantly; get laid.
Firstly you will want to wear clothes that show how much of an individual you are, because uniqueness is attractive. So what you'll want to do, is wear very stock clothing. Wear jeans, a shirt and black shoes. Don't fret about contradicting my first point. This shows you're a rebel and women love a 90's man.
Secondly you will want to smell attractive, and nothing quite says man like spraying yourself with perfumed, pressurized air. Make sure that someone who has lost their sense of smell still evokes a gag reflex when you walk in the room. Don't forget the hair too. Remember, there's nothing more irresistible to a woman than rubbing plant extracts through your hair and smelling like a coconut. Also, make sure to douse yourself with so much aftershave and hair gel that naked flames and mobile phones present a constant fire hazard. Nothing says sexy like a bit of danger!
Now you're all ready to go out, we need to pick a place of venue. This is a highly crucial factor when it comes to attracting women, but don't fear, I'm here to help. The key is to find the place with the cheapest drinks. It doesn't matter if it's a chav infested shithole with a bookies just next door, the drinks are cheap! And that's all that matters. Fun and a great atmosphere is no substitute for cheap drinks.
Now you're ready to start pulling some ladies. Try to find the ones with so much makeup on that you can barely see her face, since she's clearly made the most effort. Fake tan is a must. You should first make eye contact with a girl you like. Don't be afraid to stare at the side of her face until her sixth sense kicks in and she gets creeped out, this is normal. Make sure you stare constantly and pout otherwise she might miss your pose when she glances to see if you've stopped staring at her.
After you've made brief eye contact, make your way over to her. Don't be nice, this is where most guys go wrong. Break the ice with an extremely cocky and arrogant comment like "Hey I just saw you gorping at me, I can't blame you, but tone it down a little, you're ugly and cramping my style, stop it." This will instantly make her panties wet because it's a known fact that women love men that treat them like crap.
Then start talking to her about deep, interesting topics about your life that will make her want to get to know you more. Some good examples are: TV programmes, the weather and how wasted you got last week. Remember you're here to tease her, and talking about stuff that is trite and pointless is bound to get her intrigued.
If things aren't going too well, shrug your shoulders and walk away. Try to see if any of your friends are talking to a girl, then home in on their location. If they're talking face to face, step between them facing the girl. Make sure your back is fully facing your friend (fig. 1), so she knows you're only interested in her. Do your utmost best to cockblock him, he's a man so he will understand. Downright ignore him when he tries in vain to talk over your shoulder. This is the most important rule when it comes to hooking up with women, that you are willing to sacrifice a friendship to get laid. Most women will find this trait irresistible.
Friends come and go, but getting laid doesn't.
Once you've established rapour, ask if she wants to come home with you. If not, continually ask for her number. Be persistent. Say "come oooonn.." and make up excuses why you should have her number, even if they're exaggerations or outright lies. If that fails, see if she came in with any friends and try to get their number instead. Remember any hole's a goal, and you came to score.
If by the end of the night you haven't successfully pulled, stand by the exit and ask every woman that walks past if they fancy a bit of rough and tumble back at your place. Don't worry about appearing desperate, women like men who are a bit cheeky.
If these tips don't help you, then you must have done something wrong. These tips are 100% genuine and not fake in anyway. Extensive research has gone into providing this idiot-proof way to getting laid and if you think it's useless and full of shit then go to hell.
